“What is the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef? Answer: feedback. Don’t forget that feedback is one of the essential elements of good communication.”
Unknown
Excuse me, Ma’am . . .
Awhile back, I was at the front desk of a very high end hotel waiting for a fax. There was a large group of people in the lobby, obviously attending a very formal affair. All were dressed in tuxedos and beautiful gowns. There was lively chatter and an excitement in the crowd. Clearly, they were all there to have a good time.
Standing right next to me was a lovely looking woman who was wearing a stunning blue silk dress. I couldn’t help but admire how beautifully she had coordinated her ensemble and how she had exquisitely attended to every detail of her appearance. She stood out amongst the crowd with her elegance. Overall, I would say she was a bit intimidating with her confident posture and equally handsome husband standing by her side – especially since I was standing there alone in my little black pantsuit lugging a big bag filled with seminar supplies! I hardly felt like I “fit in” with this crowd.
As I was admiring the fine details of her impeccable presentation, I saw her laugh and there, lodged in her teeth was some food!
(Spinach, perhaps?)
My fax arrived and I turned to go back to my room. I wanted to say something to her, but then the “little voices” said, “Mind your own business,” “Someone else will tell her,” “You’ll only embarrass her.” My own discomfort at the thought of approaching her started to take over. It would have been easier to walk away, but then a louder “little voice” spoke up. It said, “If you don’t tell her, who will?” “Do you care about her or don’t you?” “You can support her or ignore her.” Without giving it any more thought, I got her attention and whispered, “Excuse me ma’am, you look magnificent, but I thought you’d like to know you have a little something in your teeth.” After a brief look of embarrassment, she looked at me with gratitude. “Thank you so much,” she said. “I would have been mortified if I had gone through the evening without knowing this!”
I smiled, wished her a nice evening and then walked through the lobby to my room. I felt good. I felt like I had made a little difference with her. How would I have felt if I had said nothing?
I got on the elevator and there was a man dressed in a spectacular suit. I admired his appearance. Then . . . that moment of hesitation. Should I say something or just let it slide. Buoyed by my interaction with the woman, I stood by the door, looked him up and down and said, “You look FABULOUS!”
“Really?” he said. A broad smile spread across his face and he stood taller. When he reached his floor, he gave me a little wave as he briskly and confidently stepped out.
It’s called feedback.
In my workshops, one of the exercises most valued by the participants is the feedback exercise. It’s very important to know the proper way to deliver sensitive observations to another, but to begin, let’s be aware there are two kinds of feedback:
Corrective Feedback– is information that discourages behaviors by communicating that they did not have the intended results.
How often has someone talked too much or too long and lost everyone’s attention? How often has someone been too abrupt or confrontational and turned people off? How often has someone not been prepared or been inattentive to detail and thereby, lost people’s trust in their ability to produce results? How often has someone complained and blamed others and kept themselves in the victim role?
How often were you aware of all of this and yet, you said nothing?
The problem probably hasn’t gone away. You (and others) are likely still irritated, disappointed, exasperated and resigned. The problem has not disappeared because someone (you – if not you, then who?) hasn’t taken personal responsibility to give the feedback, which could be so helpful to the person.
If people aren’t aware of what they’re doing that causes disconnection, then they can’t change it.
Can you see how unfair it is to hold back information that could truly benefit someone? If we don’t give feedback in these circumstances, then we automatically become a part of the problem. We are silently colluding with the person to be ineffective.
Confirming Feedback – is information that reinforces desired behaviors and encourages repetition of those behaviors.
How often have you been impressed by someone’s actions? Maybe they spoke up at a meeting and bravely said what needed to be said. Or perhaps you know of a good deed someone has done or a particular kindness someone has shown – like always cleaning up the kitchen area (and there’s usually one person who does it more than others). Or perhaps someone made a particularly difficult decision and you appreciate their willingness to do it.
Can you see how your confirming feedback is important to continuing positive and constructive behaviors – be they in your personal or professional life? Your reinforcement plays a contributing role in developing and maintaining a positive environment around you.
“Champions know that success is inevitable; that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it.“
Michael J. Gelb
Who could benefit from your caring support and observation? Will you say something?
Feel a little uncomfortable?
Then why not start practicing with, “Excuse me, ma’am” or “You look FABULOUS!”
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